When people ask me How are you doing? I tell them That’s above my pay grade
As an American I have a posteriori knowledge that Americans pretend without reason to a priori knowledge of the other
The only colleges left standing will be the ones that can make you look smart while you’re playing dumb
The closest I ev– er came to forming Voltron was using Groupon
In theory rule by consensus sounds more democratic but in practice it leads to hung juries
Because I never learned anything… I learned the hard way that it’s the only way to learn anything at all
Instead of shooting bullets into t… to celebrate I raise my leaf blower towards the… On blue moons I do this from my jet ski
When randomness blends with lawfulness you get the Loch Ness
I thought they’d finally say Mea culpa But they still just said Me
In my second marriage I went all in on being authentic When she left she said that being with me
Were I not happily married to my Jewish bride I would have happily lived out the rest of my days none the wiser
In communist Russia no one wanted to be seen to be the first person to stop clapping for Stalin In America today
The truth might set you free but it’s the half truths that will let you remain neutral
Human beings have always used the symbolic to navigate the real; until recently we did so by imagining that the symbolic is rea… whereas scientists imagine that
When I caught my wife cutting up… she said it was to prevent birds getting stuck in them like six-pac…