Post-pandemic life is like being a… Who comes home only to find Her parents have replaced Her obviously dead goldfish With a new one
Father knows best practice is to ask your mother
There’s nothing you can say to me that I haven’t already ignored
Why would they still offer A penny for our thoughts When they can buy in bulk
You bet your bottom dollar I’ll bet the bottom of my heart
There was once a time when No Jews allowed Meant No Jews allowed But now they say
I wasn’t shocked when scientists announced that a universe already infinitely… could still be expanding because I do have an ego
The dream has always been To build a time machine And go back in time To change the present But some things never change–
I don’t have any delusions of grandeur; I have delusions of posthumous grandeur that would retroactively nullify
Thinking of happiness as the meaning of life is like thinking of sugar as the meaning of food
Our big mistake is thinking a leap of faith is a tandem parachute jump where God pulls the parachute and you float gently down
At bottom God is a brute fact and Satan a brutal fact
In person we can struggle for equality Online we’ve already achieved
Negative theology collapsed when it became apparent God was sanguine
You can strive for quality and never know if you will get any… You can pursue recognition and never know if you’ve done any… Or you can pretend to do both