HOW I FOUND MYSELF

  There comes a time in each of our lives when we must find out who we are. In order to find myself, first I had to know where I came from. I had to retrace the occurrences from which I came. A family tree was constructed and my roots were traced as far back as possible. This gave me the knowledge and insight to my past.
  That knowledge alone was only part of the substance that I needed which led to the true discovery of me. I then had to examine myself, a thorough exploration of my essence. I had to search deep down into my soul to see what horrors and/or fascinations were there.
  My soul had been disrupted by religions, politics, philosophy, and psychology. There was no other way. I had no other choice. I had to take a real serious look at me. As I gazed into my inner being, first I saw hardships and struggles of my parents and grandparents. Suddenly my focus began to blur. I had to fully concentrate to look any deeper. When I did, I saw despair, hopelessness, and suffering caused by greed and oppression. I then lost my nerve. I couldn’t stand it. This was agony, and it was too much for me to bear. I had to stop.  
  I reminded myself that this was what my ancestors had to endure, so these sights and visions I must also suffer through. I have done the very best that I could. I’ve passed on that sacred knowledge that was carefully, lovingly, and with bloodshed given to me by my forefathers. I’ve honored and lived by the teachings of those who came before me, especially those who had their lives violently taken, because they wanted me to understand what it means to be me. I have many essential role models, Black, White, and Hispanic, who have retold and rewrote my true history. They have also opened prejudicially sealed doors for the sole purpose of inviting my mind to come in and expand. I must follow their lead, and my heart. I cannot be afraid. I have been blessed. My life and my peaceful reality was once only a dream by Dr. Martin Luther King. I thank him and all who crusaded with him, by pressing on past my fears.
  Even though the horrors that I saw were immense in depth, my curiosity had been aroused, my quest just beginning, there lie the answers. So, by instinct and choice, I carefully took another look.
  Tears fell from my eyes when I felt the death of thousands like me. Their futures never unfolded. They are the past that must never be forgotten. This tragedy was caused by the unwanted migration of me. Just as I began to give up once again, there came a bright light, which blinded the ignorance in my mind. As my inner vision started to recover, I began to see vivid images of great wealth and fertility. Beautiful shades and colors of people like me. There were solemn portraits of flourishing trees, with an abundance of fruitful vegetation, winding and unending roads of clear streams and rapid rivers. Skies filled with the most wondrous and brightest arrangement of stars. I saw fearless adventures of fascinating wild animals, me being the wildest of them all.
  Finally in the quest for the search of myself, I was able to wipe away my tears and straighten my back. I then stood up tall with self-respect and admiration of me.
  As the beauty of truth revealed itself, I was hooked beyond measure. I had to, I must, take my final and most penetrating look, to find all of me. What I saw took me into a complete state of awe.    
  I envisioned empires of great cities with powerful pharaohs and the wisest of kings. I saw the rise and fall of numerous nations with the most magnificent designs in architecture, complete and functional. What stunned me the most was the site of a true culture beginning, along with the beginning of mankind.
  After all of this soul searching and finding so much diversity of me, with so much outstanding magnificence and unutterable humility, it took me years to take this all in. I had to organize it in my mind, so that I could wear it respectfully with the pride of accepting who I am.
  I must be true to my natural make up, and the circumstances which have led to my present existence, as well as the authentic essence of me. I’ve embraced the respect for all of God’s creation, especially man’s life giving counterparts. I do not refer to, or address man’s female counterparts with the same unworthy noun that is used to describe a female canine, or the perverse adjective describing the nature of its personality or mood. I try harder to understand and get in emotional and intellectual contact with her spiritual being and human existence. She is the mother of my children, mankind, and me. She is the strength, backbone, and in many cases the navigator, which is required for me to arrive as me. I must preserve the nurturing shield of family, and overcome adversity with her, and never, ever neglect, ignore, or disregard my most needed fatherly responsibilities.
  Regardless of being beaten up, locked up, shot up, and hung up, I have always been inspired to look up, to God for the answers. Even when they took out of the home the hugs, so that they could infest in our neighborhood the drugs, I overcame it, and I rose above it. Yes, I fell down, but I got up, and now I stand, and on real good days I stomp. Now I am acutely conditioned to warn our defenseless children of the danger, which is the continuing process of the degradation of me.  
  In the beginning my ancestors prayed to God, to forgive America for bondage slavery, then my parents and grandparents prayed to God, to change America from segregated slavery, now I pray that God bless America from political slavery, I also hope that my children and grandchildren will pray to God in America, because there is no slavery.
  When I finished my summation, I knew exactly who I was. Finally, I could hold my head up high; I could now inhale a cleaner breath of air, because I now know who I am. I am not just the warrior or prince that I had first thought of me to be. What astonished me the most was, by the time that I finished my search for me, I came to realize that I was great in every aspect of life. I finally found out who I was, special in this world, yet common among many. I finally found me. I found out that despite what my past had dictated, and despite my God given talents, or my high or low economic status, what I found out was that I am an extraordinary being. I am now fully aware of my equal opportunities, as well as my hard earned, educated, employable dignity, which is accompanied by world renowned respect and responsibilities. I no longer tolerate or accept being called boy, spook, lazy, or nigger. I am proud to proclaim my right, not only as a man, but as an African American man, also known as (AKA), a Blackman.